As I take the time to understand the person I am becoming after thirty-five years I want a place to go to and reflect.
For the few, that would even read my writings I want to bless you and pray for you. Life is a series of desired and undesired roads. It seems the only time I can write and reach out is when I am spent. I have achieved somethings in life. Though I have not scaled physical mountains or road upon the waves in the pacific. I have simply lost a lot and I can no longer blame being bullied as a child, parents, ex-girlfriends, ex-wives, friends, influences, MTV, and most importantly, GOD. These writings will not be grammatically sound, nor will the spelling be obsolete. I am simply writing my prayers to heaven during my time of surrender. I have accepted Jesus Christ numerous times in my life but for the first time I am asking him to take the wheel.
I came to the end of myself. A destructive, controlling, insecure, arrogant, selfish, person. My fears and anxieties led to most of my decisions in life. My inability to see past my own voice and ideas led me to losing the very thing I always wanted. A family. No, I'm not an addict, an alcoholic, or a vile pornographic obsessed man. I am simply broken. These writings will often times be longwinded, short or just a sentence. I am trying to change my heart. I fenced it, I guarded it and let no one in. I was recently diagnosed with PTSS. My anxiety almost always runs high, but I am not the nervous type. I'm collective and cool... always masking my deep fears, my insecurities, my sadness hidden. Hidden so well, that I devised lies of what I was going through in case someone caught on. Layers upon layers of lies to hide my guilt, my fears, me.
To know me, even if you do... you don't. I am the clown, the funny guy. I am good looking, charming and can say all the right things, half of which I didn't believe or care to. I am co-dependent in some areas of my life... especially the big parts. My happiness was based on everyone else's. I do not know what makes me happy, cause I am constantly running or pretending.
Each day is a challenge to remain stable. To recognize my anxiousness. To not let it get the best of me. I'm writing this because I have to. I have to let everyone know, that the mask is off. That the pursuit of my Happiness will not be found in a women, a job, a man, a mentor, a car, a paycheck, a bottle, a joint, a pill, or a lie. It will be found on these pages. In these new experiences. I can not love anyone, until I love myself. I can not give what I have not received. This journey is a quite one, a lonely one, a very much needed one. I set out to find Franki. I am not defined by a city, or a state. The one who saves me can define me and although this journey will be painful, hurtful and lingering. I know that it's will, will not be mine anymore.
For those that follow and comment, thank you. Yours words, likes, and shares will hopefully be a starting point for another franki out there. I am searching for my heart, my happiness, my one true love... I want to be the biggest man in my 15 month old daughters life. I want her to be proud of her daddy and trust him. To know that I will never let her down. As I share these experiences with the internet, the rest of the world and to the ones that know me. Know that I will fall, disappoint and maybe enrage some of you and for this I am sorry. My next thirty-five will not be how I saw it, for that has been erased. When I surrendered, I let my future aspirations die. I don't know what lies ahead. All I know, is that it will not be like my last thirty-five.
Enjoy the show,
Franki,
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