It's funny to think of the love I had for people. The over the top romanticism, memory boxes, scrap booking saving movie tickets from our first date. Experiencing love for the first time is like your first career! So excited, so enticing, so ready for the experience. Unfortunately, like most of my endeavors... failure is eminent.
I don't have it anymore. I don't have anything left in the tank. I'm all out. Here I am, busted, broken, and all out of cards. This life has been one rocky ass road God. Now I know what your saying up there. My will be done. BUt my question is Why give us free will, when the end game is broken, imperfect, and taxing?
I have loved so many, I have given everything I thought was love. I know nothing of love God.
Teach me, teacher. My happiness was making them happy and I even failed at that. I am broken God, restore my faith in new beginnings and in relationships. Let me Love again like I use to. Bring back that passion in me oh lord, I will depend on you for that leadership. Do you give chances? Cause I have failed three times? How many more times to I realize how to love? I ask that you guide me and protect me lord.
Monday, April 1, 2013
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Introduction: My Journey & Reason why
As I take the time to understand the person I am becoming after thirty-five years I want a place to go to and reflect.
For the few, that would even read my writings I want to bless you and pray for you. Life is a series of desired and undesired roads. It seems the only time I can write and reach out is when I am spent. I have achieved somethings in life. Though I have not scaled physical mountains or road upon the waves in the pacific. I have simply lost a lot and I can no longer blame being bullied as a child, parents, ex-girlfriends, ex-wives, friends, influences, MTV, and most importantly, GOD. These writings will not be grammatically sound, nor will the spelling be obsolete. I am simply writing my prayers to heaven during my time of surrender. I have accepted Jesus Christ numerous times in my life but for the first time I am asking him to take the wheel.
I came to the end of myself. A destructive, controlling, insecure, arrogant, selfish, person. My fears and anxieties led to most of my decisions in life. My inability to see past my own voice and ideas led me to losing the very thing I always wanted. A family. No, I'm not an addict, an alcoholic, or a vile pornographic obsessed man. I am simply broken. These writings will often times be longwinded, short or just a sentence. I am trying to change my heart. I fenced it, I guarded it and let no one in. I was recently diagnosed with PTSS. My anxiety almost always runs high, but I am not the nervous type. I'm collective and cool... always masking my deep fears, my insecurities, my sadness hidden. Hidden so well, that I devised lies of what I was going through in case someone caught on. Layers upon layers of lies to hide my guilt, my fears, me. To know me, even if you do... you don't. I am the clown, the funny guy. I am good looking, charming and can say all the right things, half of which I didn't believe or care to. I am co-dependent in some areas of my life... especially the big parts. My happiness was based on everyone else's. I do not know what makes me happy, cause I am constantly running or pretending. Each day is a challenge to remain stable. To recognize my anxiousness. To not let it get the best of me. I'm writing this because I have to. I have to let everyone know, that the mask is off. That the pursuit of my Happiness will not be found in a women, a job, a man, a mentor, a car, a paycheck, a bottle, a joint, a pill, or a lie. It will be found on these pages. In these new experiences. I can not love anyone, until I love myself. I can not give what I have not received. This journey is a quite one, a lonely one, a very much needed one. I set out to find Franki. I am not defined by a city, or a state. The one who saves me can define me and although this journey will be painful, hurtful and lingering. I know that it's will, will not be mine anymore. For those that follow and comment, thank you. Yours words, likes, and shares will hopefully be a starting point for another franki out there. I am searching for my heart, my happiness, my one true love... I want to be the biggest man in my 15 month old daughters life. I want her to be proud of her daddy and trust him. To know that I will never let her down. As I share these experiences with the internet, the rest of the world and to the ones that know me. Know that I will fall, disappoint and maybe enrage some of you and for this I am sorry. My next thirty-five will not be how I saw it, for that has been erased. When I surrendered, I let my future aspirations die. I don't know what lies ahead. All I know, is that it will not be like my last thirty-five. Enjoy the show, Franki,
I came to the end of myself. A destructive, controlling, insecure, arrogant, selfish, person. My fears and anxieties led to most of my decisions in life. My inability to see past my own voice and ideas led me to losing the very thing I always wanted. A family. No, I'm not an addict, an alcoholic, or a vile pornographic obsessed man. I am simply broken. These writings will often times be longwinded, short or just a sentence. I am trying to change my heart. I fenced it, I guarded it and let no one in. I was recently diagnosed with PTSS. My anxiety almost always runs high, but I am not the nervous type. I'm collective and cool... always masking my deep fears, my insecurities, my sadness hidden. Hidden so well, that I devised lies of what I was going through in case someone caught on. Layers upon layers of lies to hide my guilt, my fears, me. To know me, even if you do... you don't. I am the clown, the funny guy. I am good looking, charming and can say all the right things, half of which I didn't believe or care to. I am co-dependent in some areas of my life... especially the big parts. My happiness was based on everyone else's. I do not know what makes me happy, cause I am constantly running or pretending. Each day is a challenge to remain stable. To recognize my anxiousness. To not let it get the best of me. I'm writing this because I have to. I have to let everyone know, that the mask is off. That the pursuit of my Happiness will not be found in a women, a job, a man, a mentor, a car, a paycheck, a bottle, a joint, a pill, or a lie. It will be found on these pages. In these new experiences. I can not love anyone, until I love myself. I can not give what I have not received. This journey is a quite one, a lonely one, a very much needed one. I set out to find Franki. I am not defined by a city, or a state. The one who saves me can define me and although this journey will be painful, hurtful and lingering. I know that it's will, will not be mine anymore. For those that follow and comment, thank you. Yours words, likes, and shares will hopefully be a starting point for another franki out there. I am searching for my heart, my happiness, my one true love... I want to be the biggest man in my 15 month old daughters life. I want her to be proud of her daddy and trust him. To know that I will never let her down. As I share these experiences with the internet, the rest of the world and to the ones that know me. Know that I will fall, disappoint and maybe enrage some of you and for this I am sorry. My next thirty-five will not be how I saw it, for that has been erased. When I surrendered, I let my future aspirations die. I don't know what lies ahead. All I know, is that it will not be like my last thirty-five. Enjoy the show, Franki,
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